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Oh My Dog! Imma Gonna Explode! The Sultan of Sketchy finally got a clue. The Two Legs put me on a different Die Ate and I Luvz it. This one lets me Ate so much I think I might die.

They started off in full Sketchy though. I woke up to soggy toys. The Blonde allowed me to leave my squeakies outside and they got moist. I’m talking make you gargle when you pick them up soggy. I. Was. Not. Amused! I’m sure the Bald Boob was responsible and was faking those soft snores. That’s why I jumped in the middle of his back and hit him with the sodden hedgehog. He was actually kinda cute trying to extract it from his ear and pillow. Anyway, I searched for a shoe to discipline but he had hidden them. Instead, I established an Observation/Listening Post on the ball bed while he made S.O.S. I immediately displayed my distress and I got a large spoonful over a biscuit. I experienced belly exhilaration. The day continued to improve as the Bald Two Legs let the pack out for romp and stomp time and even gave me two new squeakers. That son of a playground,Bolt, stole one but I still have the other. Then, the Bald Chef, did the unthinkable. He grilled me burgers! We’re talkin 1/2 pound cow frisbees served at mouse temperature with bacon. I had two before he caught me securing them from the platter. His face looks funny when it’s red. Anyway after the Two Legs tried killing us. I got two more burgers while they sang Happy Burger Day to me. I am currently in Digestive Nirvana! The Blonde Two Legs said it was Independence Day and I must agree because my belly has been freed. I even allowed them to rub it. I did chuckle a bit when the pressure released and the Bald Dude choked and gagged and backed away quickly.
It’s hard to chuckle when you’re upside down but then it’s also hard to squeeze your cheeks to keep smells contained. So everyone have a Happy Burger Day and May you be as gruntled as I. Maddie

What is the word of the day? Dogma. For those that don’t know it’s a principle or set of principles laid down by an authority as incontrovertibly true. What’s the principle? Sketchyness will be disciplined! Whose the authority? Me. Cause I’m a Dogmom too or at least a Bitch in this regard.

As you may be aware, The Bald Two Legs and his Blonde accomplice abandoned me again this weekend. I begrudgingly allow this insult as they often camp in Sketchy territory with strange smells, dogs, and Two Legs. I have to guard the Maddie mobile from all these dangers for minuscule bowls of kibble. I also have to keep watch out the window to prevent incursions. Rainy days are the worst cause on those days the Two Legs with Pony Kegs under their T shirts instead of Sox Packs stay outside in the rain until they’re soaked and then they run with their bottle hand upraised. A translucently garbed, tottering, bearded Two Legs in a Statue Of Liberty pose recreating Chariots Of Fire is just a sight that can’t be unseen.

Anyway, I stayed home but the Two Legs decided they would extend their stay away and deny me my playhound and properly cooked rations. This is a clear violation of the Maddie Accords! All reductions in warm eggie submissions must be approved by me in advance. To make matters worse that Bald Sheik Of Sketchyness arranged for his Blonde Henchlegs to secure me while I was distracted by the return of my playhound. I Was Mugged! I was Domestically Abused! I was Haltered! Now this only means one thing. I was off to the weight disclosure place where they yell out a girl’s weight so everybody can hear and then let some handsy Two Legs grab my paws and mess up the length of my claws. Well! This was not going unpunished! This was High Sketchyness! The Bald Two Legs knew it too. He attempted a bribe of his Latte Foam but the Sketchy Assessment had already been rendered. I knew theBald Boob planned to weed eat in the morning so I stealthily secured the repository of Sketchyness, his left shoe, and repositioned it in the fountain with Squirrlo as the apparent thief. He had to weed eat in his sandals and now has green toes. Discipline has been administered. Dogma is satisfied and the Bald Dude can remove the green from his toes by wearing the shoe he found. Well at least off the left ones. He’ll have to lick it off his others himself! Maddie

Pay no attention to the spuma on my snoot, That Bald Two Legs is at it again. I have been a most wonderfully understanding, sensible, and nonreactive ambassador of Bark. However, that low down, under haired, overly Sketchy, Squirrel loving Two Legs has again fallen from the path of enlightenment and canine servitude. He attempted to distract me with the foam from his Carmel Machiato but my Shadow Sense kicked in and indicated that a Sketchy violation was impending. I quickly checked the locations of his shoes and underwear for reprisal actions. Then I monitored, with narrowed eyes, his actions. He lured me to the back door with fancy words and promises of squirrel tails. There were no squirrels, just wet grass, and he closed the door on me. I had to make six circles to locate my pee grass but couldn’t fix my BM drop zone so left one in front of his Grill. I did chuckle when he tried to put Gambitch out though. He picked her up when she wouldn’t go beyond the threshold and she peed on his slipper. He made lots of noise and Gambit darted back inside and stared her message that she was no longer full.

Anyway soon the TV started making strange sounds, and the Dude hooked us all up to leashes and got the young Two Legs and stuck us in the box in the garage. I did not consent to this. There were not treats, the young Two Legs was sullen, and I think I smelled warm eggies and bacon getting cold. He left us in there for decades at least 20 minutes. And I was right there were cold eggies and bacon that he did not share. Instead he warmed them for the young Two Legs and said we are still on a Die It. Well, I think that’s a bunch of IT all right!!! I have a certain belly tautness that must be maintained. The Bald One did put his shoes on the coffee table but I am Whippet. I’m not tethered to the floor! The Black Hole of Sketchyness, the left shoe, has been secured. I have thrown it on the pillow I threw between the couch and wall earlier. It will take him hours to find it as it’s elevated from the floor. I’m walking the Sketchy out of that Two Legs! This is his fourth lap through the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom. He’s gonna have to make a couple of laps until I throw a toy behind the couch to make him consider the possibility. Maybe I’ll just demand a few dehydrated chicken strips before I do that. That’ll take care of that Die It thang too! Maddie

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