The Rip Van Wrinkler, XXIII, Issue 2, May 2019

Page 12 <previous page > <next page>

The Maddie Chronicles

Hello. I’m here today to give my State of the Paw address. It sucks! The Bald Two Legs tried to delay my scheduled rebarks with pure Two Legged Sketchiness. I was awakened late last night to a loud boom. Normally I feel the boom as well as hear it when the Blonde Two Legs shoves me out of the big grrrl bed during a dream where I’ve almost caught the bunny. She tries to say I roll out but I recognize a late night bed space grab when I feel one. Anyway, I turned over, released some belly tension, smiled at the Blonde’s reaction and went back to sleep. I woke up to Moist! The Bald Two Legs peed al over my backyard. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! This put me in rapid download mode as I could not search for the proper pee patch. Instead I had to run, squat, endure drippage, and rush back inside. Once inside I was again faced with the Blonde’s DIE ATE policy. I was not fed a warm repast of eggies and pig. You know, ham, bacon, or sausage. I’ll take either or all. I was give a cold dog biscuit. Then that worthless Bald Boob came out , made Hash and eggies, and ate them all. I only got a sniff. I even did the paw scratch drool on the floor at his feet. No payment for a floor show is pure sketchiness. This is an unfair Trade agreement! We must “Make Maddie Ate Again”. I have instituted a firm shoe immigration policy. I am relocating all left shoes the Bald Dude leaves unsecured to a canine holding area. If I am provided with warm cheese eggies, pig, and warm milk I will reunite the left shoe with its family, the right shoe. If a good belly rub occurs after said meal on a warm blanket then I will admit to hiding the socks and show him which toy box they reside. It is time we raise the Woof and regain the unity in this house that is needed for greatness. That means uniting my tongue with the calories required to fill Muh Belly! I Thank you for your attention. Maddie

Hi Everyone. Today was a day of discovery. Never stick your nose in an old pointy ears business. You will regret not following this advice.
This morning when I finally awakened the Bald Two Legs....... Yes. That is Bolt and my job. He sneaks into the Big Grrrl bed after the Blonde disappears in the morning. Normally the Blonde gets up and has coffee and yogrrrrt. She doesn’t like to share,but a well place paw usually works to get compliance. The Blonde is trainable. Anyway, this lapse in security allows the Bald Boob to grab the warm spot in the Big Grrrl bed and “watch” News. How you watch something with your eyes closed and mouth open I don’t know but that’s his story. Waking him is a two part operation. When Bolt gets bored enough and I feel the need for pee grass we start. Bolt begins by sneaking up to the pillow and licking out his left ear. Bolt says it the one that tastes best and is the dirtiest. That gets the Bald Dudes eyes open. Next I quickly stretch my legs into the Bald Two Legs middle. If I contact the right spot he helps and sits up immediately. Once up he opens the Playground Portal to the outside squeakies, pee grass, and squirrel chase zone. Today, I miscalculated. Recently the pointy eared curly tails observe from the doorway as I do a quick patrol, do my downloads, and return for warm eggie preparation. Today, the eldest pointy, Trog, trotted out to the leaves with a purpose. I was taking care of business so was unaware until I looked up from my trot back in. Trog was doing what I assumed was a war dance in the leaves. I thought he had cornered a squirrel, okay, I was concerned he found a treat, and a rushed over to “assist”. It was not an attempt to steal as the Bald Dude said later! Anyway as I unselfishly rushed to my packmate’s aid Trog quit twirling and assumed the tripod de poo stance facing away from my rush. I had too much momentum, No I was not blinded by my desire to steal a treat as Baldy alleged, to stop or veer away. There was a wet squeak and Trog POOP on my Nose! It wasn’t a Trog Log! It was Back Blast Area Clear spray! That old pointy did his business on my muzzle and looked affronted that I had collided with him. Well of course I shrieked and ran the other way. OMG! I don’t know what he ate but it should be banned! I rubbed my head in the grass and leaves and on two of the outside squeakies. The Bald Boob laughed and called me an ITHEAD. Well,that’s what it sounded like. I Am NOT an ITHEAD. Trog, placed IT on my head and I definitely did not appreciate it. His Bald Sketchiness thwarted my plan to get even for his laughing by not letting me in until he had a wet rag to wash my head. I was going to rub myself on his pillow! Warm eggies do not make up for this even though they had bacon bits mixed in (drool). No, this is war! The Bald Two Legs must pay! I have strategically hidden his bombas socks in my hallway toy box. While he searches for those I’m gonna convert his clean boxer briefs into a pair of crotchless underwear. Then when he goes stomping to the trash I’m stealing his left slipper and leaving a stealth canine land mine. I will soon be hearing the sweet sound of “Ewwwwwww”. Darn it. He’s got his tennis shoes on and found my obstacle. I need to get back to serious plotting! Maddie

What The Dog Bald Dude. I watched your imperial sketchiness try to leave me two days ago. It was cold and icy and you had grabbed my playhound with promises of bunny. However, the Great Dog above showed you the error of your gormless (It’s a word folks look it up) treatmeant of such an endearing, svelte, beauteous Whippet such as I. Did you for a minute consider where my next chicken breast or warm eggie was to be rendered? No, you did not. I glad you skidded your feckless Two Leggedness around the block.
Anyway, your attempts to bribe your way back in my good graces have taken a nose dive. Yes, the six egg ham bacon and cheese omelette was quite tasty (I did have to share). Yes, I did enjoy the lunge bunny time with Bolt (we had to wait until last). Yes, you provided an extra comfortable belly rub. ( I heard your comment about a kettle drum). But your Royal Boobness failed by allowing that white cold stuff to cover my backyard again. It covers my spots! You know which ones I mean. I nearly rip my teeth out trying to grab my frozen toys off the ground and hear you laughing when I flip on my back and slide. I did stop myself before charging that Tricolored pointy in the Tripod though. No more calling me an ITHEAD or saying I got ITFACED. I’m better than that. I want you to know that Yes, I did mean for you to find that couch pillow outside. Yes, I did put the dog cushion out there too. Yes, I did put your keys under the dog cushion but no I did not know you had attached a Tile locator to find them. That is Sketchy Cheating of the first order. Just so we’re clear, I’ve got my eyes on you for you next Sketchy impropriety and No, you loafer is no moist because of snow melt from shoveling the drive. I could find my pee grass so I marked you shoe while you were busy sipping hot cocoa on the couch. Maddie

I think I may have discovered a new eating technique. Normally the Two Legs impose a strict kibble and chicken diet upon we fur folk. The Blonde gathers our dishes and goes to the magic closet. She opens the door as we all sniff trying see what treat is going to be extracted. The Trick to this is to not get distracted or the oblivious Two Legs turn a step on your paw. Then they yell at you when you have a hurt paw and say “Don’t make me fall!”. Well, Two Legs don’t make me limp! Anyway, I digress. The Blonde combines the mystery addition to our dishes and portions them out. Then she sits down on her bar stool to eat the meal the Sketchy Chef has cooked. Now the Bald Boob requires watching, normally with narrowed eyes, but he does an excellent job of creating smells and tastes. He sucks at sharing. It’s a core element of his sketchiness. He makes warm eggies, bacon, chicken, pork chops, burgers, and steak. But when I go to demand my fair share the two legs try to pass off zucchini, or carrots, or even Brussels sprouts. I spit one of those out so hard that it made Gambit yelp. Anyway, looking up with imploring eyes, head tilted and paw raised generally gets me a morsel from the Bald Dude. The Blonde is more likely to vegetate me. My problem is the Bald Boob gets distracted with talking or watching TV. I waited almost 15 seconds with my paw raised and wasn’t noticed. Normally, I just stand up and survey the counter but today I lowered my paw rapidly and knocked his foot off the barstool. This got an immediate look but with an almost immediate offering of bacon. I was thrilled. I repeated this three times before the Bald Two Legs stated he wasn’t a Snooze Alarm. I’m not sure what he was talking about because I needed at least three more strips before I could curl up for a snooze. I need to ponder this new information. I wonder if I hit him higher if I can get steak? Maddie

I am calculating! The Sultan of Sketchy abandoned me again last weekend. That Bald Two Legs requires constant supervision or a violation of Whippet rights occurs. There is still an implementation of Belly Sanctions by the Two Legs that is unwarranted and unfair. Is it wrong to like Belly Rubs!?! If not, then why is it wrong to increase its size so there is more to enjoy! Also, the increase in weight gives me an advantage to the loud mouth Blonde Two Legs when she gets the urge to scoop me up and announce my weight to a room full of strangers before a pedicure. What’s a little hernia between friends, okay in this case adversaries? Anyway this Diet thing is simply wrong. It’s a two part word Die and It. First, it makes you feel like you’re dying because there is an emptiness in your belly at times when enticing smells abound. Second, they offer you IT to eat! Now, I don’t like being called an ITHEAD or ITFACED, Thank you Trog, nor am I gonna eat IT. Brussels Sprouts and Broccoli are taste bud bombs. I’d rather lick my butt. Well, that’s actually a fun and necessary activity. I’d rather have my temperature taken. Yes, it’s just as invasive as that except going thru the other end. Oh, and reduced calorie kibble is nothing more than fried Tofu air biscuits. I don’t like it. Especially, when the Two Legs are eating steak, and chicken, and bacon!!! I have stolen the Bald Boob’s left shoe. That right the left one because he left me behind. He was focused on pictures of other dogs on his computer. While his Sketchiness was involved with his puppy porn I found just the right spot for that shoe. It is at the foot of his fountain. I’m not sure it fits but let me give say the operative word. Moist. By the time he realizes he needs his shoes to go out, he’s also going to discover he’s getting a free foot moisturizer. Maybe he’ll get the message that he put his foot in it with me. Hold it! I think I smell warm eggies and ham! The Bald Chef is calling my name. I’m not telling him about the shoe. It will be our secret. Maddie

<previous page > <next page>