Two Weeks!

Just Two Weeks and that Bald, Two Legged Miscreant made me go back on my New Year’s Resolution.

Why did I think that a Two Legs that is the main reason they have a warning sign not to consume the big white mints in the Men’s Room could be trusted? I thought we had transitioned into Twenty Twenty Two not Plenty Sketchy Too. I, being the well adjusted and tolerant whippet that I am, had graciously resolved not to ravage any left shoes. Now this was predicated on a lack of overt Sketchyness or violations of the Maddie Accords because I’m patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. That Bald, Two Legged Idiot revels in it.

I was blissfully enjoying the start of the New Year when the Blonde snuck up and harnessed me. That only means one thing, a visit to the poke and stick. I did my best “go limp” but she dragged me to the car. I willed myself to become an immovable object but the Blonde Two Legs irresistibly moved me. She held me immobile while they took liberties with my paws. Then instead of letting me run for the car she weighed me! The size of my butt is my business and nobody else’s. Anyway, the next day we were laying on the daybed and someone pushed the BARKCON alert. Then they knocked. I immediately launched into full throated alarm mode and ignored the demands of “Be Quiet” and “Shut It”.

That Bald Boob will not silence me. He went to the door and I thought he was dumb enough to allow a stranger into the Madlands when I wasn’t behind a closed door. Instead he was given a flat box, looked more confused than normal, and gave it back. I thought maybe he was reducing his Sketchyness, but then I caught a whiff of pizza. That idiot refused hot pizza without consulting me! “Shut up” is not a consult. I thought about it and I believe this was an act of Die Ate. He can keep those treasonous acts to himself. After some vigorous sniffing and a close inspection of my food bowl I determined no food was forthcoming. He was testing my resolution resolve.

Then I found out he ordered snow! That broke it. Do you know what it’s like when you go out at 3 A.M. to relieve the pressure that accumulates when pressed against a warm belly and under sheets and find snow!?! Cold wind whips under your tail and you have to keep moving so your feet or hoohah doesn’t freeze to the ground. This reeks of Mr. Sketchy. Thus I may have broken my New Year’s Resolution. But then again perhaps not. I believe when you nurture plants you water them. If that’s the case I simply “nurtured” the village idiot’s left shoe. Can I help it if the closest unfrozen water is in the white seat? Don’t Mess with The Shadow. Maddie Out!

Two Leeeeeeeeeeeeegs!!!!!!!!!!
Those miserable, scheming, wayward Keepers of Sketchyness are on the naughty list! They’re getting a Big Ole Lump of Charcoal colored whippet Stinkeye and a Shoeing.

First the miscreants left me and stole my pack. They snuck away with Piddles, and Bolt, and the elder sisters. So all my Big Girl Bed sleep mates were gone. It’s hard to steal a warm spot when the warm spot generators aren’t there.

They also left me with the substitute Two Legs. He’s worthless. He has no Chefing abilities and has no understanding of The Whippet Share. I was five sleeps deprived of warm eggies, belly rubs, and playtime. I would have even eaten Mother Nature’s Butt Nuggets. If cooked in cream with Parmesan and Bacon. Bacon makes everything better. But Nooooooooo. I was kibbled.
The Substitute even left me all alone on the Big Wind, Big Sound, and rain night. There were woo woo sounds echoing outside and I heard him say he was hiding in a little room with his friends. Scrooge you Mister, I was alone in my my house waiting for the hounds of Christmas past to visit. I survived this abuse I gave premium butt waggle when Baldy, Blondie and my pack returned.

We had a warm sleep but then the Sketchy assault commenced. The Bald Boob let a stranger invade under the Madlands. I woofed at the intruder with every thump that vibrated my floor. If I could have gotten to that Two legged mouse I would have given him such a nip! This should have warned me but the extended absence lulled me into a false sense of security. The the Blonde Two Legs Nailed Me. That’s right she chased me down, harnessed me, and they drove me to the Poke and Stick place. That’s where they get personal and announce my weight and grab my paws. I go stiff and they have to carry me so Die Ates reduce my attempts to prevent this rudeness. I am not carry on luggage I am Mad Eye Maddie and the Stinkeye is high in this one!

When I got home the Bald Dude kept his shoes on. He was actually trying to left shoe block me. That Bald Two Legs cornbread just ain’t done in the middle. Does he really think I don’t have alternatives? I know where his stash is. I stealthily pushed open the door to his stash room and secured a totem of Sketch. I knew these were dunk worthy acts but the village idiot was keeping the porcelain baptismal locked up. At my first backyard opportunity I visited the fountain of sketchy reprisal. I have been avenged and the Bald Boob thwarted in his shoe protection efforts. You mess with Whippet and you get the Whip It Good! Maddie Out!